This is the most powerful question to cut through the inner critic:
“What do I need?”
Like any bully, something sets the inner critic off, something triggers that voice to report for duty. Unfortunately, most people get so wrapped up in believing what the inner critic is saying that the trigger goes completely unnoticed. This really makes matters worse because you end up feeling totally at the whim of the critic, knocked down whenever it decides to unleash its brutal opinions, oppressed by the random cruelty.
But actually, the inner critic has a logic and learning that pattern changes everything. Usually the inner critic kicks into high gear when our needs aren’t being met. When we aren’t being taken care of, we feel like shit. Why else would no one be taking care of us except that we are unlovable? So the critic steps in to identify everything we could change in order to become qualified for love. Ouch.
If you can start to take the inner critic’s arrival as a track or a sign, instead of falling prey to the content, you take your power back. “Oh, my inner critic voice is really loud. I wonder what unmet need tripped it up.” Often the need is connected to the critic’s content, at least at first.
Here’s an example. I recently had a very intense experience. In the midst of intercourse, my uterus went into extreme cramping, like a contraction, that lasted for over an hour. In the days that followed, my inner critic berated me for not listening to the signals of my body, shamed me for how hard it has been to only have sex I am a full yes to, and questioned my relationship. Eventually I realized that I was being mean to myself when really I needed comfort. The experience was really scary, super painful, and disturbing. I had a good cry and asked my partner to hold me, and the critic melted away with my tears.
Comfort is a common need that goes unmet. Praise is another. Many of us did not get “Wow! Look at you!” as children, and we are still trying to be good enough to receive that. But you can celebrate yourself right now. I find it a helpful and sweet practice to celebrate myself for 3 things at the end of each day. “I brag that I ate well today.” “I brag that I rested when I needed to.” “I brag that I wrote this piece about the inner critic and meeting needs.”
The next time the inner critic starts to harangue you, try taking a deep breath. Remember that this is usually true: the inner critic is telling you something important – you need something. Then, ask yourself, “What do I need?” When you hear an answer, do your best to meet that need, or recruit friends or loved ones to help you. It might take some time before you can easily identify the need. Many of us were not allowed to have needs as children and they may be shy to present themselves.
Over time, you may actually begin to feel grateful for the critic, who schools you in noticing and meeting your needs. In this way, the critic becomes a guide and an ally. You’ll start to appreciate just how incredibly attuned the critic is, able to pick up on even the smallest need. Probably you’ve not received that type of attention before, which is why the critic developed. And so you might begin to see that actually this critic loves you, very much.
Comments